I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
