She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
