I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
