Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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