He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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