Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
