Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
