last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
