the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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