The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
