I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
