I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
