put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
