I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
