I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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