Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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