TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
