Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
