The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
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