dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
