I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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