just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
