i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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