I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
