Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
