She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
