Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
