Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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