I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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