I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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