I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
