Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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