I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
