thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize