He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
