Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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