i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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