WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
