this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
