so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
