Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
