my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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