I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize