Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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