i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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