Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
