is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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