I hate all girls vehemently.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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