could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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