Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
