; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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