He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
