my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
