i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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