my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
