Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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