You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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