My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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