At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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