I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
